Published in Sunday Times of India. 27/Sept/15
Text version: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/delhi/Delhi-bully-on-the-road/articleshow/49120753.cms
I showcase some of my writeups from The Times of India, TOI Crest and TOI Blogs here
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
Friday, August 14, 2015
Mere desh ki dirty
Mere desh ki dirty
Manas Gupta(Published in TOI. Jan 21, 2015)
As PM Modi's Swachh Bharat Campaign continues, can the Indian Litterbug change his filthy habits and come clean? TOI begins a campaign to find out.
Everyone's heard the banana joke. Banta Singh slips on a banana peel and when he sees it again the next day, laments, 'Oh no, aaj phir girna padega (oh no, I'll have to slip again today)'. The peel joke has appeal, but no one seems to have a problem with Banta not picking up that peel. If cleanliness is a state of mind then we the people of India have a dirty mind. The muck stops here and till that changes, Bharat will not be Swachh, that's the bitter sach.
Poor in-waste-ment
So, where does one find a clean street in India? Simple. Go straight and turn left from the street called nowhere, because it doesn't exist. We paint the town red with betel juice, we thrash people who talk trash but ignore them when they throw trash, we turn our rivers into drains and our drains into rivers of garbage, we literally wash our dirty linen in public (as well as our sins and our buffalos), but we never ever lose our sanity over sanitation.
Chances are more people know about Osama bin than Recycle Bin.
Q: "Will you thrown trash in the bin?"
A: "Nah. Bin there, never done that."
Writing's on the wall
Let's face it. With due respect to Rahul Dravid, even walls in India are not sacred. If you see a clean wall, then it has probably not been discovered by a pan-loving, tobacco-chewing Neanderthal yet. Heck, it hasn't been discovered by someone with a full bladder either. If nothing else, many roadside romeos just vandalize walls with bizarre messages and obnoxious poetry professing love for the girl next door. Yup, clean walls are an endangered lot in this country.
Trashbekistan
Then there's garbage disposal. New Delhi, kilometres away from the nearest hills, has stinking mountains of garbage on its borders, massive mountains that started off as molehills. With the capital city producing 9,000 tonnes of trash a day, we have a Himalayan blunder waiting to happen. Meanwhile, you can take your camera, block your nose and snap some photos of the mountain that came to Mohammad. Mind you, one can't smell the garbage in the photo.
Beating around the bush
Q: Why did the pigeon want go to a sports stadium in Mumbai?
A: He wanted to find out what happens when s**t hits the fans.
Yes pigeons like to "beat it". It's not like the government has made special loos for the pigeon to answer nature's call. But here's the catch. Unlike the pigeons, there are plenty of 'human' loos in big cities like Delhi and Mumbai, but not enough humans in them. In what is a ginormous public misconception, lakhs of people believe that pooping in public places is not only acceptable but probably a fundamental right. It is, but only if you're a pigeon. No, being a bird brain does not count. Unfortunately, the railway tracks have just one mode — commode. Someone needs to put notices on the tracks that say: "Flush not working".
Garbage age
Amid the din of the fight on garbage lies the inspiring story of Surat. Shocked into action by a plague outbreak in 1994, the city cleaned up its act and went from Surat to Khoobsurat, becoming one of the cleanest cities in India. Rats were to blame for the plague in Surat, while the rat race continues in other top cities. Let's hope it doesn't take another outbreak to shake us into action.
Let's clean up our act
After the Prime Minister's clarion call on Swachh Bharat, it's time for India to come clean. TOI continues its Great Indian campaign with a focus now on The Great Indian Litterbug. We aim to find out what makes him tick, why he has a diabolical need to spread the muck.
Let's not sweep our guilt under the rug. Join us in this campaign with your jokes, stories, poems and anecdotes as we use the broom (apolitical version) to beat the gloom, and attempt to clean the cobwebs of indifference keeping our footpaths filthy. Mere desh ki dharti need not be dirty.
Manas is on Twitter as @Spooferman_
Sunday, February 03, 2013
Standing Up For India
This was published as a middle in the Times of India edit page, sometime in August 2007.
© Times of India
Manas Gupta
Multiplexes have transformed the entire movie-watching culture in Delhi. The massive queues have all but disappeared, as have the gangs of mosquitoes and the broken seats. The one thing that hasn't changed is the typical Delhiite.
One can see them all in the confines of an air-conditioned cinema hall — from the polite to the obnoxious; from the dreamy, hand-holding couple to the disapproving, overweight aunties; from the gang of school-bunking kids to the giggling group of svelte college girls.
One fine day, yours truly found himself amidst a similar motley group of cinema-goers during a recent trip to the neighbourhood multiplex, and came back with an unforgettable memory.
During the intermission, a message flashed on the screen: 'Please stand up for the national anthem'.
Slowly, hesitatingly, the people started getting up. The girls stopped gossiping, the loud gentleman behind me stopped fighting for his seat, the whistling, joking group of students clammed up, and even the babies stopped crying. For the next few minutes, the only sound in the hall was the national anthem being sung by a host of legendary singers. And every single person in that dark, plush cinema hall was standing up.
The atmosphere was electrifying and for those few minutes, I felt goose pimples. Suddenly, I no longer felt any animosity towards the gawking teen who kept fiddling with his chair. I didn't want to slap the noisy kid behind me anymore. I felt a bond with my country and countrymen. It was an experience that I hadn't ever felt in my last 28 years on earth.
After the anthem finished, we took our seats. Some people applauded. Some shared smiles with the unknown face sitting beside them. After all, we were all part of the same country. We were India.
If this moment could have such a profound impact on an adult like me, than think of that seven-year-old in the fourth row, on whose impressionable mind, a two-minute clip has left an indelible mark of patriotism.
Just 10 minutes later, as I tried to make my way through a packed traffic-crossing, I accidentally brushed the side-view mirror of shiney new car. Sudeenly, a volley of verbal abuse hit me like monster truck. As I turned to face my attacker, I realised it was the quiet, affable lady who exchanged smiles with me after the anthem.
© Times of India
Manas Gupta
Multiplexes have transformed the entire movie-watching culture in Delhi. The massive queues have all but disappeared, as have the gangs of mosquitoes and the broken seats. The one thing that hasn't changed is the typical Delhiite.
One can see them all in the confines of an air-conditioned cinema hall — from the polite to the obnoxious; from the dreamy, hand-holding couple to the disapproving, overweight aunties; from the gang of school-bunking kids to the giggling group of svelte college girls.
One fine day, yours truly found himself amidst a similar motley group of cinema-goers during a recent trip to the neighbourhood multiplex, and came back with an unforgettable memory.
During the intermission, a message flashed on the screen: 'Please stand up for the national anthem'.
Slowly, hesitatingly, the people started getting up. The girls stopped gossiping, the loud gentleman behind me stopped fighting for his seat, the whistling, joking group of students clammed up, and even the babies stopped crying. For the next few minutes, the only sound in the hall was the national anthem being sung by a host of legendary singers. And every single person in that dark, plush cinema hall was standing up.
The atmosphere was electrifying and for those few minutes, I felt goose pimples. Suddenly, I no longer felt any animosity towards the gawking teen who kept fiddling with his chair. I didn't want to slap the noisy kid behind me anymore. I felt a bond with my country and countrymen. It was an experience that I hadn't ever felt in my last 28 years on earth.
After the anthem finished, we took our seats. Some people applauded. Some shared smiles with the unknown face sitting beside them. After all, we were all part of the same country. We were India.
If this moment could have such a profound impact on an adult like me, than think of that seven-year-old in the fourth row, on whose impressionable mind, a two-minute clip has left an indelible mark of patriotism.
Just 10 minutes later, as I tried to make my way through a packed traffic-crossing, I accidentally brushed the side-view mirror of shiney new car. Sudeenly, a volley of verbal abuse hit me like monster truck. As I turned to face my attacker, I realised it was the quiet, affable lady who exchanged smiles with me after the anthem.
Thursday, December 06, 2012
Elevator march: Lift-right-lift
If you have trouble reading text, check this link in TOI-Crest: http://www.timescrest.com/society/gallery/are-you-a-liftosaur-6182
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Dirty Dozen -- TOI Crest Edition
One of my first collaborations with Mr Ajit Ninan in Times of India's Crest edition. Text of the page can be found here: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/delhi/The-Dirty-Dozen/articleshow/5228807.cms
Sachin Tribute for TOI Budget edition 2011
Click image for larger view. For text only version, go to this link:
Sachin and India: Tale of two majestic growth stories
Friday, March 28, 2008
BEASTLY TALES
(written for TOI in 2005)
I recently found that I am gifted with an ‘animal instinct’. Whether it is a gift or not is highly debatable. Consider this, every time I take my trusted 100-cc motorbike out on the roads of Delhi, the sound attracts every passing stray dog on the road, who chase the bike like it was a member of the opposite sex. Animal instinct indeed.At this point, I flee for his life by speeding away, but at the very next crossing, instead of any traffic policeman on duty, find another dog ready to vent his sexual frustration on my precious vehicle.Delhi’s dogs also seem to have an ‘attitude problem’. The last time I stopped at a traffic light, a dog nonchalantly walked up to my bike and proceeded to relieve himself on the newly retreaded front tire. By the time I realised what the ‘cunning canine’ was up to, the rascal vanished into thin air. Almost like a hit-and-run accident on the Capital’s roads. It seems that the dogs don’t realise Maneka Gandhi is not in the government anymore.Coming back to animal instinct, I had a first-hand experience of the Hindiproverb ‘aa bail mujhe maar. But in my case it was a bull instead of a ‘bail’, who had unfortunately decided to rest in the middle of the road. Well, the animal-lover that I am, I tried to avoid disturbing the animal’s rest, but in the process almost gave myself some rest...in peace. To avoid crashing into Lord Yama’s transport, I crashed my own transport, (yes, the same trusted bike that the dogs love) into the road-divider. The accident resulted in some nasty bruises, a tetanus injection and of course sick leave. Now, I go around telling people that I used my animal instinct to get my insensitive company to give me sick leave.
Of course any story about NCR roads is incomplete without the mention of cattle. A cow blocking the road is such a routine happening in our country that people don’t seem to mind anymore. One wouldn’t be surprised if accident figures show cows at par with blueline drivers for causing the maximum road mishaps. Like most Delhiites, I’ve had my share of ‘cattle-battles’. In fact, I tried to banish my ‘cow-wardice’ on the roads with a serious man-to-cow talk. So when I ran into a cow the other day, I gave it a piece of my mind on traffic rules. The rude animal however, continued to chew something in a rather arrogant fashion, almost like an Australian cricketer and completely ignored me. I felt like I was facing a babu ina government office.To avoid such ‘animal anomalies’ on one’s daily route, here is some advice: The dog who feels its the neighbourhood James Bond can be dealt with by stopping your vehicle and giving a fierce growl to match the dog’s. I assure you that most Delhi dogs as well as Delhiites will turn tail at the sound. If you encounter a bull or a cow at breakneck speed, then go ahead and slam into them. The landing will definitely be softer and you will be too preoccupied trying to escape the animal’s fury to worry about injuries. It’s also an added bonus for other commuters, who get a first hand look at a good old bullfight. Ole.
I recently found that I am gifted with an ‘animal instinct’. Whether it is a gift or not is highly debatable. Consider this, every time I take my trusted 100-cc motorbike out on the roads of Delhi, the sound attracts every passing stray dog on the road, who chase the bike like it was a member of the opposite sex. Animal instinct indeed.At this point, I flee for his life by speeding away, but at the very next crossing, instead of any traffic policeman on duty, find another dog ready to vent his sexual frustration on my precious vehicle.Delhi’s dogs also seem to have an ‘attitude problem’. The last time I stopped at a traffic light, a dog nonchalantly walked up to my bike and proceeded to relieve himself on the newly retreaded front tire. By the time I realised what the ‘cunning canine’ was up to, the rascal vanished into thin air. Almost like a hit-and-run accident on the Capital’s roads. It seems that the dogs don’t realise Maneka Gandhi is not in the government anymore.Coming back to animal instinct, I had a first-hand experience of the Hindiproverb ‘aa bail mujhe maar. But in my case it was a bull instead of a ‘bail’, who had unfortunately decided to rest in the middle of the road. Well, the animal-lover that I am, I tried to avoid disturbing the animal’s rest, but in the process almost gave myself some rest...in peace. To avoid crashing into Lord Yama’s transport, I crashed my own transport, (yes, the same trusted bike that the dogs love) into the road-divider. The accident resulted in some nasty bruises, a tetanus injection and of course sick leave. Now, I go around telling people that I used my animal instinct to get my insensitive company to give me sick leave.
Of course any story about NCR roads is incomplete without the mention of cattle. A cow blocking the road is such a routine happening in our country that people don’t seem to mind anymore. One wouldn’t be surprised if accident figures show cows at par with blueline drivers for causing the maximum road mishaps. Like most Delhiites, I’ve had my share of ‘cattle-battles’. In fact, I tried to banish my ‘cow-wardice’ on the roads with a serious man-to-cow talk. So when I ran into a cow the other day, I gave it a piece of my mind on traffic rules. The rude animal however, continued to chew something in a rather arrogant fashion, almost like an Australian cricketer and completely ignored me. I felt like I was facing a babu ina government office.To avoid such ‘animal anomalies’ on one’s daily route, here is some advice: The dog who feels its the neighbourhood James Bond can be dealt with by stopping your vehicle and giving a fierce growl to match the dog’s. I assure you that most Delhi dogs as well as Delhiites will turn tail at the sound. If you encounter a bull or a cow at breakneck speed, then go ahead and slam into them. The landing will definitely be softer and you will be too preoccupied trying to escape the animal’s fury to worry about injuries. It’s also an added bonus for other commuters, who get a first hand look at a good old bullfight. Ole.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Metamorphosis
When I was hurled,
Into this fucking world
I came face to face,
With the ugly human race
But then I grew up,
No longer the stupid pup
The energy of the youth,
Brash and uncouth
Ready to go anywhere
And punch out a tooth
The time was a bitch,
Hatred everywhere
Everybody was nobody
And nobody cared
I thought I’d change it all,
Determined to stand tall
But then I met temptation
And overcame all hesitation
And became an animal like them
Into this fucking world
I came face to face,
With the ugly human race
But then I grew up,
No longer the stupid pup
The energy of the youth,
Brash and uncouth
Ready to go anywhere
And punch out a tooth
The time was a bitch,
Hatred everywhere
Everybody was nobody
And nobody cared
I thought I’d change it all,
Determined to stand tall
But then I met temptation
And overcame all hesitation
And became an animal like them
Copyright Manas Gupta
Black ain’t beautiful
Fighting all odds,
He moved past the point of no return,
It was a world of success,
Of hatred which could burn
It needed strength,
It needed will,
It needed strategy,
And the spirit to kill
Fake smiles and fake souls
And handshakes with arseholes
The truth is bitter
The truth is black
A stab at success means
To stab in the back
Destiny be damned,
For the damned make their own destiny
Their strength remains, the soul doesn’t
Hell remains, it’s coal doesn’t
But will he see the light?
Will take on those demons?
Will he ever triumph?
Or will it be too late?
Had he moved past that point of no return?
He moved past the point of no return,
It was a world of success,
Of hatred which could burn
It needed strength,
It needed will,
It needed strategy,
And the spirit to kill
Fake smiles and fake souls
And handshakes with arseholes
The truth is bitter
The truth is black
A stab at success means
To stab in the back
Destiny be damned,
For the damned make their own destiny
Their strength remains, the soul doesn’t
Hell remains, it’s coal doesn’t
But will he see the light?
Will take on those demons?
Will he ever triumph?
Or will it be too late?
Had he moved past that point of no return?
Copyright By Manas Gupta
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